Letting Go

At times I sometimes write poetry. Yesterday, I wrote the following:

the fear of losing the one you love
the sadness of realizing you have to give up
let go and try to move on
seeing them happy with another
the knife sears your heart
as the pain builds
not seeing an end
Finally realizing that life is worth moving forward
by taking it one day at a time
reaching a point of forgiveness
and faith in yourself
and those who surround you
At the point to see the one you are meant to be with.
Time, forgiveness and hope can get anyone through the toughest of times.

Ties, Lies and Videotape

I am a dead end. Things have really started getting to me and some of it really is non-sense that I should just let it go. I know most do not do it on purpose but really it frustrates me because then I think what did I do to prompt that reaction or comment; that is lack there of in some cases. I am often over looked and those who know me are wondering how is that possible but really I am an after thought at most. Most of the time it doesn't bug me but for the last few months or so it has really gotten to me and I just choose to brush it off.

This is what happens when I am in a rut or fell that I have no way to reach the top of the mountain. I need one break and then I would be able to keep trekking but I am so tired of fighting for myself that I want to rest but if I do that than I would be stepped over instead of being picked up.

I guess what you might say is that my life is due for a change and I AM GOING TO CHANGE IT.

Isn't' it funny how I always talk about it but never make a plan or set goals for that well. that changes today after work I am going to start my list.

Need vs Wants

I know most of us and I say "US" meaning we all at one time or another thought we needed something so bad that we scrimped and saved until we had the exact amount including tax to get the most amazing whatever it was. There are needs such as clothes, shoes, food, gas if you own a car, bus money if you don't own a car. Then there are the pesky wants such as the ipods, computers (unless you have a small home business, homework); I am talking about the top of the line computer that you couldn't possibly use all the software type of machine, same goes for the digital camera, 40 pairs of shoes, 80 purses or wallets, DVD's that exceed 100, you get the idea.

To clarify there are two types of people the people who purchase items based on a need basis and minimize the wants. And those that are all about the wants and turn them all into needs.

For example I used to be the turn the wants into needs but have come to the conclusion that life is much more important that DVD's.

My Wants vs Needs


NEEDS and Wants

1. NEED-Some time ago I needed to get a new car and did.
2. NEED-I replaced my digital camera with a newer version because my old one broke and was unfixable after going to the shop for a year. (PS I waited for the camera to go on super sale and saved each pay check)
3. NEED-Old desktop was replaced after deleting not 1 but two of my 40 page papers for my school final.
   
4. Wanted-Most women have an addition to shoes I have an addiction too: a) purses b) dvd's c) music d)flip flops (I curve these impulses by only purchasing purses at Ross or Marshal's. Dvd's are only purchased if they are on super sale meaning $10 or lower that I have seen in the movie theatre or NETFLIXED them first. Never by a DVD that you haven't seen based on the "actors" the movie could be horrible. Otherwise I wait. Music is purchased online for the 1 song or the album if I like more than 5 songs.
5. NEED-to get a pedicure my feet are nasty and well haven't had one in years. Frankly, no time to sit there and wait. And the idea of someone rubbing my feet that I just met creeps me out a bit. However, my goal for this week is to get one. After all it is flip flop season and my feet well feet in general are nasty.
   

I indulge in a few splurge items but only when I save a great deal first. My bills are all paid off and I do not purchase hastly any longer. I take the time to think if I really want it and why no impluse buys any longer.

Weekend Recap

Let me breakdown the week first before I get to the weekend because it was nuts.

Monday-Hair appt.had to get rid of the grey that had decided to reappear.
Tuesday-Was supposed to go to the gym however to much to do
Wednesday-My friend Kari's birthday aka kidnapping
Thursday-Supposed to be my friends bacholorette party however family drama always likes to ruin my plans.

Ok so that was my week.
Friday went to the New Kids concert IT WAS AWESOME!! Will repost this with video and pics later
Saturday was the wedding day and it was beautiful. Jenny's dress was gorgeous and was perfect for her. Ryan her husband was so nervous he was shaking throughout the ceremony but his face when she came down was priceless. We were seated at table 8 and had so much fun, danced, laughed took crazy pictures and then it was over. It was really great to reconnect as a group though.

See pics below.

Things need to change

So for today's exciting post I have to put into words things around me that need to change.

1. My feet are still extremely swollen to the point that I can't see my ankles unless I stay in bed all day. Even my water pill is no longer working
2. My family still tries to control me when I haven't been controllable since birth
3. I fell off the wagon (not drinking) and having a hard time getting back on
4. I am dreading a certain conversation with my mother (no not pregnant)
5. I hate that I let my family get to me still, I try to block it out but it really never sises to amaze me how they affect me
6. I need a new job
7. I have applied for my dream jobs and have heard nothing, I know the economy sucks but seriously cut me one break. All I ask is for one break in my entire life.
8. When others say there were put here for a purpose I wonder how they figured out what their purpose was and when they found it?
9. I hate being treated like I am 24 at work because all the others in higher management are over 50 and feel that because I look young I am a child to them.
10. I am such a procrastinator
    

One Fine Day

My friend is getting married this Saturday to one of the good guys. There are not many out there anymore but he is one of them. There love story could be turned into a movie or a book written by Nicholas Sparks. They new each other in High School and dated briefly. They separated for a bit and then while he was on base (Army Soldier) they started talking and eventually he proposed. She said no at first she wanted to get reacquainted with him but somehow he new she was the one. After talking on the phone and seeing each other when possible he popped the question during Thanksgiving break and the rest is history. I am absolutely thrilled for her. She is an amazing person who deserves someone who will be not only her partner but understands what she wants out of life. He has never tried to defter her from her path but encourages and she is very understanding when it comes to the military lifestyle. I wish them nothing but joy and happiness with a very, very long life together.

I am happy to have him in our friend circle.

Happy Birthday Kari

Today is my friend Kari's birthday. The celebration has started and because of the type of person she is many are waiting in line to have a day with her. Kari is the most selfless, caring, loyal, smart, sensitive person I have ever met. She gives even when people do not deserve it, she tries her best to help in any way possible and she thinks with her heart when it comes to her friends. She is very smart and has a lot to give. I have known her for 7 yrs and the first day I moved in and she handed me a stuffed penguin because my birthday was in 2 days. She had found out that I loved sea animals mainly penguins and wanted to do something for my birthday. From that day on we were instant friends and have been for years. We have had our differences and arguments but in the end we were better for it. Our friendship has grown into loyalty, understanding and forgiveness. She doesn't care that I am crazy (not in the Koo koo bin crazy) , eccentric and at times say things that only someone who has taken the time to get to know me would understand.

I want to thank you Kari for being a friend, a shoulder to cry on during those sucky times and a kind hearted soul.

Ps. I didn't have permission from her to post her picture. However, she is on my page.

I have amazing friends.

If today is it then what about tomorrow

I don't understand drivers these days. You think that the law for no texting is an option, talking on your phone without using hands free is optional and reading while driving is ok. BTW I don't mean a map or written directions, I am talking newspaper article, books. The laws in place are there for the saftey of ALL on the freeway.

Yesterday, I was driving to a friends house on the 91 Freeway when traffic came to an abrupt stop. I had plenty of time (tires didn't screech, no smelly rubber outside, at least a half of cars length room) however, the car behind me had to swerve, hit his breaks extremely hard and then get in the other lane just to miss me with the reading material still in his hands. He was going very fast and needless to say he was not paying attention. He proceeded to then to pull over to the side of the freeway and continue reading his paper. I could say this is a man thing but really women put on makeup, mix a baby bottle or read a book.

Pretty much when I saw him coming I speed up and moved to the other side outer portion of my lane. I had no idea whether he was going to hit my new car but all I know was that my body tensed and got a headache from the anticipation. Good news he didn't hit me, I got home safe and he learned a lesson for that day anyway.

The song that plays over and over in your head

Every had a song that just kept repeating itself in your head. Whether it was "its a small world", "this is the song that never ends" or the one on the radio that you hate but know all the words too. That has been my life thus far. It is the song that I can't get out of my head and then all the sudden my ipod changes it to Keith Urban's "Kiss a Girl" and you laugh to yourself and move on. I believe that my life is at that stage. I am taking more time for me, enjoying my life; well trying anyway.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I think everyone with kids or without should take a day or an hour of your day to be with yourself. I was given excellent advise sometime ago and I have been trying to concentrate more on me than anyone else. Some may say selfish but I have been all about my family for so long that I forgot who I was and am. I happen to like who I am and came to realize that who I am is who I want to be flaws and all. I always put my family first because that is what I was taught but what happens when the people in your family start putting others in front of you. When is it your turn? When is it your turn to put yourself before your family and think about you? Well my time is NOW!! I still care for my family and am always there for them but I have to let my brothers live their life as men and fall, and be there when they need me in whatever capacity. My parents are raised (LOL) and it is time I let them realize that I am an adult and in order for us to live I need to be let go as well. No more using me as a vessel for information or a venting punching bag. This is my time and I am taking it. I have given up to many years of my life for family and its time I started my own. I put off things I wanted to do because I was afraid that my brothers would resent me leaving or feel like I was abandoning them. But in truth I believe that if I don't do what I want that I will end up regretting it because I failed to live my life the way I wanted to show that it is possible. Lead by example. I take more on than I should and get involved when really I should let my brothers and parents have it out, make mistakes and then be there in a shoulder rather than a fixer. I have sheltered my brothers from hurt far to long its time I let them fly and be proud that I helped them get there.

So for those who understand a little of what I am going through or all. Take the time because yours it NOW!!!

Book Review-PREY

NO SPOILERS!!
This is the fourth book of a series with Faythe Sanders and her werecat family. Faythe is put through hardship, anger, heartbreak and triumph. It is a very easy and fun read. I hated putting the book down and towards the end took my time because I was going to be sad it was ending. Rachel Vincent has an uncanny way of putting the reading right into the story and you can visualize exactly what she is writing right along with the story. It is supernatural with a lot of action and drama rolled into it. I recommend the entire series to everyone regardless of what you read; romance, thriller, mystery, chick lit. I guarantee you will enjoy it.

And don't use the excuse of no time, there is always time to read. It's the ultimate escape from the trials and tribulations of your life. Make the time to take time for yourself and read a good book.

To check out other books from Rachel Vincet www.rachelvincent.com.

Book Review Soon to come-PREY

Hey all, sorry for the lack of posts but life is happening. I will have a review of the new Rachel Vincent book "PREY" tomorrow. No spoilers will be given, promise.